Confessions of a Single Mother (pt.3)

Forgive me Father, for I have had thoughts of hurting my children and ex husband. It's been four months since my last confession. One would think since LB is back in OKC with his dad life would be a bit more relaxed in our home. This has not been the case and it seems life has gotten more hectic and stressful. I have a few theories of why this may be (1) LP started Kindergarten and refuses to take a nap and spends most of the evening whining over small things ; (2) LP misses her brother and expects me to play with her ;(3) DQ is now in junior high school and thinks she knows everything ;(4) DQ is obsessed with her hair and clothes (5) DQ's friend comes over every morning and afternoon. Okay, there are more than a few and I could go on, but I think you get the picture. I won't even get into the details of my nonexistent personal life. I still talk to the two prospects I had a few months ago, but the sizzle is now a fizzle. I've realized that I'm dealing with EBM (endangered Black men) according to Joan Morgan in When Chickenheads Come Home to Roost. More of that to come at a later date.

So, in my quest to be a responsible parent, I try to talk to their father about their behavior. We both agree that if LP continues to talk in school and refuse to take a nap, she will have to be punished. I just take away a few priviledges (as of 9/25/07, she has been doing great). The thundering and lightning came with the discussion of DQ. DQ has a problem staying focused, doing and turning in her homework and loves anything urban and contemporary. It was not until I threatened to make her ride the bus to school that she started dressing in a timely manner. The battle now is getting her to sit still to study. I've been told that you can't study math. Although I've explained several times that studying math is basically practicing and working problems, she refuses to believe me, but this is one battle that I will fight. Anyway, I try to explain my frustration to their dad and he comes back with, "You need to discipline her and limit her interactions with JW." And just how am I supposed to do that? JW and her parents moved here and they don't know or interact with a lot of people, so their options are limited and since I'm at home when they get off the school bus I don't mind watching her until her mother can pick her up. I tried to explain that JW is not the problem, DQ is, but he thinks I need to isolate her from the world. I tried to explain to him that he is living in a dream world if he thinks isolating her is the solution. Afterall, she spends seven hours a day at school around other kids. I live in reality and I talk to DQ about everything. I tried to explain that kids today have so much more to deal with and are exposed to life earlier. He refused to acknowledge that and said things are no different now than when we were teens. He basically told me I need to beat her and lock her in the house. I didn't remind him that that is what his sister did with her daughter and as soon as she turned 18, she went wild. It took her three years to find herself and she is currently in the Air Force crying about how she wants out. So I just hung up on him instead and spent the rest of the afternoon steaming mad. I also made a new pledge to not discuss DQ's teen behavior with him, because of helping he only adds to my frustration and blames me. I remembered a few years ago that we had a similiar disagreement when I decided it was time to teach DQ the facts of life. I found a book at the library with pictures and slang terms and when he saw it, he flipped. How dare I give her such graphic material and I tried to explain that she needs to know because boys (and girls) are getting smarter at the cons used to lure innocent parties. I want her to know the facts...yes, you can get pregnant the first time ; yes, you can get pregnant using the rhythm method ; there are other names for body parts and fluids...please be aware. Ignorance is not bliss!

So after a few days, I calmed down and bit, but I still think there is a balance that can be reached with it comes to our parenting styles. Yes, I know I need to set boundaries and I try really hard, but sometimes I just don't have the energy to deal with issues right then. I just remember something my aunt said, my kids did not come with an instruction manual and no, I did not have practice. I just do the best I can, teach them and trust them to make the right decisions.

Jena, La...Jena, Anywhere, USA

Yes, I had my black on yesterday, but I added red to my outfit to represent the blood that has been and continues to be shed due to racism. When I first heard about the six young men I thought the punishment was a bit excessive and the more I learn I know it is a bit much. For those who think that race relations have gotten better, this is a perfect example of how flawed our legal/justice system actually is. For those who think that things like this only happen in the South, I beg to differ, this can happen anywhere. I've heard stories from people all over the U.S. who encounter racism daily.

I think what saddens me most is that the people of Jena think they don't have a race problem. First of all, because of the protest yesterday, all businesses, schools and government agencies closed and most of the residents left town. Why? That in itself speaks volumes. Second, if you are not the recipient of racism, you would not realize there's a problem. I think certain actions and thought patterns are so ingrained in most of us that we don't realize that our actions and thoughts are biased and prejudiced. Third, the origins of the assault stem from subtle actions that just boiled over. For those who think that the noose incident was a prank, read a book on lynchings such as Lynchings in Mississippi: A History, 1865-1965 by Julius E. Thompson. Those nooses were hung to intimidate other students, plain and simple. If something had been done about that incident, I guarantee things would not have gotten this far. I don't condone what the six young men did, but I can understand why...each kick represented years of mistreatment and injustice for African Americans.

I'm not a fan of Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson, but I think they've done an excellent job as leaders in the protest of the treatment of the Jena 6. For those who don't know what has happened or have only "heard" stories, read http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jena_Six

Party, Harty!

I made it back from Arkansas in one piece. I must admit I had a few reasons why I wanted to go. The most important being to check on my mom and help her do some things around the house. She had been released from the hospital that morning and was resting when we got there. I did a few things around the house, but her number one priority was getting her computer connected to the internet. She was ready to do some surfing. I finally got her hooked up and she sent a message to everyone to let them know she was online.

The second reason I was headed to AR was for a party. Some friends that I grew up with live in Seattle, but their parents live in AR and they were planning a surprise birthday party for their dad who was 80 on September 15th. He and his wife have five children (all of whom live in Seattle), he also has an older son and two daughters with my aunt. One of his daughters is married to my cousin, so I'm very connected to this family and have been saving the date for a few months. Seven of his children and most of his grandchildren were there, so it was great to see people I hadn't seen in years. I saw my cousins who moved to Seattle when they were kids, now one is about to graduate from college, the other is fifteen, one lives in Dallas and on and on.

After I made sure my mom was okay and the girls were in bed watching tv I went to visit, reminisce and of course, play cards. We were up until 1:30 am, but we had a blast. We were entertained by their oldest brother and his son. I laughed until my face hurt and was wide awake when I made it to my mom's. Well, so were the girls, watching tv and making iced frappocinos. I made them go to bed because we had to get up and take my mom to Wal-Mart.

After making it back from Wal-Mart, I took a short nap and started getting ready for the big event...the surprise party. First I got the girls dressed, Kara was so excited, she could hardly wait to say "Surprise!" The party was very nice, it started with the "surprise", then we had a buffet style dinner, followed by words from any who wanted and the family recognized three individuals who have helped make sure their parents were taken care of. While everyone visited and talked, we moved tables and chairs to set up the dance floor. There was a dj and he played everything from 1960 to present day. We preferred the line dance music and even I had to get out there and do the Cupid Shuffle. It was fun to watch everyone else and there were few folks who never left the dance floor. I did enjoy one more dance as the nephew pulled me out to dance to one of my favorite songs, Bartender by T-Pain. Even after the doors were locked, we mingled around and talked, not wanting the night to end.

Sunday was the barbeque, but I had to leave. I went by on my way home and of course once I got there I lost track of time and finally left at 5:30, making it home at 8:30. I knew once the "high" were off, I would end up dragging around. When I got home yesterday, I cooked, ironed, did LP's hair and quickly as possible...my goal was to be in bed by 8:30. I was in bed by 8:00 and as I tried to read a few pages of my book, I found myself dozing. I finally gave up and put the book down. This morning I feel refreshed, but everytime I hear Bartender I smile.

Another Bought Lesson

The buyer this time...my mother. A few weeks ago while visiting my parents, I noticed that my mom had this horrible cough. I asked her about it and she said her Doctor had prescribed antibiotics, but she just couldn't shake it. She said it was a dry cough and once she started, she coughed for it seemed like ten to fifteen minutes. I told she needed to go back to the Dr. Russell and have him do xrays. Two weeks passed and everytime I called I would ask her if she'd been to see Dr. Russell. Of course she hadn't, but she was still coughing and now her energy level had plummeted. She also said she was breating and wheezing just like my grandfather was on the night of his death. So when I talked to her the past Sunday, she said she was planning to go the next day. Of course I called to find out if she'd been and she told me that Dr. Russell was out and she was going the next day. While on my break my mom called and left a message, "Call me on my cell phone when you get a chance." So when I called her I told her that I knew she was in the hospital and she sounded surprised. I informed her that (1) I knew something was serious by the way she was coughing and (2) she left instructions to call her on her cell phone. Anyone who knows my mom knows she never wants anyone to call her during the peak hours on her cell, she tries to conserve her anytime minutes for emergencies.

She said yes, Dr. Russell told her she had to stay because her oxygen level was low, her blood pressure was up and she had a lot of fluid. Her diagnosis...congestive heart failure. This is the second time in the past ten years my mom has been hospitalized with this condition. I think this time will be her wake up call to start eating and exercising. She has lost fifteen pounds since being admitted, a lot of fluid. She is to be released Friday morning, so I'm packing up tonight, so I can help out around the house. She said her house is a wreck, but Richard Carson has told us not to sweat the small stuff and believe me in the grand scheme of things, a junky house is small.

It is times like this that I'm glad I'm only three hours from my parents. I told my sister not to worry about trying to to to AR. She is seven hours aways, just started a new job and has a family to tend to, so this is where I can pick up the slack and drive down to take care of our parents. Plus, there is a party I want to go to Saturday night!

A Clever Marketing Scheme

I'm sure most who read my blog know that lately I've been going through this hip-hop thing. I try to keep up with the artists in this genre, but it changes on a daily basis, with some of the best being overshadowed with the ones who are just commercialized. Case in point...the 50 Cent, Kanye West feud. I don't really think it's a feud. For people who think the media is not feeding the hype and negativity that surrounds hip-hop, this is the perfect example. Both artists released their new cds on September 11, 2007. 50 was quoted as saying, "If Kanye sells more cds than me, I will retire from rapping." For those who have followed Fiddy's career, we know that he will do and say anything to generate buzz for his upcoming projects. People, it's all a publicity stunt, but by the time the media has put its spin on it, it becomes "a beef."

Yesterday I watched some of BET's 106 & Park, where they had both artists perform and talk about their latest releases. BET has promoted this to their advantage, making it look like they're the mediator between the two artists. Everyone wants to cash in. To open the show, ESPN's Stuart Scott gave stats and info about each. Fiddy came out first and performed and then talked about how he says things to help promote his projects. I hope those who watched learned that artists will say and do anything to make money. Fiddy is worth an estimated 400 million dollars and Kanye is not far behind. Kanye came out and talked about his gift and how he is bascially a musical genius, give me a break! I do think he has an unique way of making his points...a grown man having tantrums. Grow up and use your "gift" to reach our youth.

A bought lesson

I should've known it was too good to be true. Yesterday DQ got up, got dressed, brushed her teeth and washed her face without my constant reminders. We actually made it out of the house at a normal pace, instead of all of the frantic rushing. It was a good day. That is, until 3:45 when they stepped off the school bus. I had sloppy joes waiting, so all they had to do was sit and eat. I told her and her friend, JW, to eat and when they finished, to start on homework. DQ stated that she'd done her homework at school, but I told her she needed to work on something. She asked if she could use the computer for her Career Discovery project and I told her to wait until later. So, she proceeded with her usual daily stuff, talking on the phone, doing her hair, sorting through clothes, and watching tv. She comes out of her room at 8:00 to ask to use the computer to finish her project...it's due Wednesday. So, you all know what a holiday on Monday did to my brain, I'm thinking okay, let's work on it tomorrow and she quickly reminded me that tomorrow is Wednesday. I was so upset, I asked her why she spent the entire evening goofing off when she knew she had homework, all I get is a shrug, which really set me in motion to "talk" for the next fifteen minutes. I gave her 30 minutes to finish her project. Needless to say, it took her about 45 minutes, but she got it done. I was in bed with my book at about 9:15 to relax and unwind. LP was exhausted from staying up late and a full day at school, so she was out before 7:00 pm.

The saga continued this morning. I try to get DQ up when I take my shower so that by the time I finish, she'll be ready to go in and do what she needs to. It never works out, I have to constantly tell her to get dressed, brush her teeth, wash her face, etc. This morning, she spent so much time dressing and combing her hair that I had to put her out so LP could brush her teeth so she could eat breakfast. DQ ate and then decided to redo her hair. The result-- I put her out again, so I could finish getting dressed. We ended up running late and I had her and JW catch the bus so I could save time. LP has to be at school by 7:40 and we were walking out of the door at 7:30. Needless to say DQ and JW were upset because they had to ride the bus, but maybe tomorrow she will get up and get moving. There is a saying that a bought lesson is a taught lesson which means experience is the best teacher. So now that she has experienced the consequences of moving slow in the morning, it will teach her to move a little faster. As always, I'll keep you posted.

Makes you say hmmm...

I am back to my old self. I have reacquainted myself with one of my loves...reading. Last week I read three books. The few books I'd read previously were all non-fiction, so I caught on some works that are in some of my favorite series. The first was S is for Silence by Sue Grafton. Yes, I've read everyone of her Kinsey Millhoune mysteries. I must admit they were getting pretty predictable, but this one was pretty good. It actually had a surprise ending and left me thinking, wow. I like the dry, sarcastic humor that she gives to Millhoune. But if I had to recommend any, it would have to be B is for Buglar, by far, the best in this series.

Book 2...Stalemate by Iris Johansen. This is an Eve Duncan thriller. Duncan is a forensic sculptor who always winds up in a bind through her work. Johansen does an amazing job with this series and it is one of the best. I recommend all of them. I couldn't put it down and I was even cheering for the bad guy.

The third book...Chasing Destiny by Eric Jerome Dickey. I was a Dickey fan. When he first entered the scence in 2000 I was one of the first to promote this brother. I though his writing was thought provoking and down to earth. He wrote about issues that were relevant to me. I read everything he wrote, but then his writing shifted. He started going through this sex thing and I lost interest in his stuff. I picked Destiny up because it was Labor Day weekend and I knew I'd finish the Johansen book Friday night. I opened the book at 9:00 pm Friday and when I put it down two hours later I was on page 112. Dickey has redeemed himself with this work. I liked and could identify with every single character in this book. This book made me think. I thought about my role as a parent and the effect my actions have on my children. I thought about how I respond and communicate with my children. I thought about all the parents who think their children are angels, but don't have a clue what is really going on. I thought about parents in denial and defending children even when they are wrong, not allowing them to take responsibility for their actions. In the end, it hurts everyone. I also learned a lot about motorcycles and when I finished I called my friend and asked him if he was going to buy a new bike. I wanted to ride, put on my gear and ride with the wind. I recommend this book to those who don't think their actions don't have an affect on others. I recommend this book to those who don't think we're all connected in one way or the other.

Today, I'm on my fourth...Sleeping with Strangers by Eric Jerome Dickey. So far, so good.